4th June 2008 - Not the worst office view
Blimy
things have been busy. At the moment all of my time is split between two
projects; Jamboree 2008 and unicycling to york. Both of these involves a
suprising amount of time sat in my office - which is composed of me, my maps, a
few books and my laptop. In short my office tends to be wherever I want to
be and so, given the lovely weather we've been having recently, it's been on my
balconey;
12th May 2008 - Time to relapse!
Ready? Just to show the 80s were amazing, if only for one reason!
7th May 2008 - The apprentice; what a
joke!
I've just been watching Sir Alan's popular tv
show, 'The Apprentice', and I must say I find the individuals that they have
recruited a complete joke - but just for one glaringly obvious
reason.
Now before I rant on, I must admit that I can only go off what
the tv showed me; however I think that all of the contestants should be 'fired'
because they all missed an obvious trick.
Sir Alan Sugar decided to send
the two teams on a glorified scavenger hunt to a French-speaking Marrakesh
souk (Morocco) in order to find;
- A mosque shaped alarm clock in green A cream Berber bedspread with silver sequins Grey slippers Santos orange juicer A blue cactus (specified height) Large cowhide with tail attached Kosher chicken Dye 3 red Akal branded tagines 2 tennis racquets, medium strung
Good old Sir Alan equipped the contestants with mobile phones which means that my new found employee would be able to ring all of his friends and family to find the items I was after and within a few hours I'd be sat back with an iced tea laughing.
The reason I think the apprentice is a joke - none of the contestants did anything like this and none of the judges seemed to pick up on the lack of local knowledge sourced.
Still, guess I can't slate Sir Alan too much - he is worth the better half of a billion quid.
7th May 2008
As ever I think I should start with an apology for not writing here in quite some time. Truth be known I've been far too busy.
So then, the jamboree is taking up a big chunk of my life; but it's also producing the goods - so far we've received over £18k of grants which is going/ has gone towards training leaders for the future and purchasing equipment to ensure that the work that is underway does not simply end at the even itself - visit the jamboree website to learn more.
Unicycling to York is still going ahead and my training is ongoing - the weekend before last I managed thirty miles before I ran out of time and had to go home for dinner.
Speaking of my unicycling challenge, I've been incredibly disappointed by the lack of interest from companies - so far no companies have outright sponsored me, however Sellafield Ltd. have agreed to match fund me - kudos to Sellafield!
I do find it interesting however how one idea leads to another; originally I was after company sponsorship - however this whole process brought about a more interesting idea of giving Advertising space on porlhews.co.uk in return for donations to charities of my choosing - read more about advertising. It was this idea that lead to porlhews.co.uk generating a thousand pounds for The Parkinsons Disease Society, and the search for interested companies is ongoing.
In other news I've been out and about kayaking, rock climbing, helping out with Gold Duke Of Edinburgh Award expeditions, cooking stir fry and, of course, unicycling!
Life is generally quite busy - so I'm off on holiday in ten days time - a week of white water kayaking in the Alps - cannot wait!
16th February 2008
Last weekend I mentioned that the Whitehaven News was doing a story on my unicycling to York adventure, here it is;
9th February
2008 - I'm famous, now to act like an
arse.
This weekend is going to be a hectic one. Highly hectic. Very hectic. What's a more hectic word than 'hectic'? Answers on a postcard please.....
Yes indeed, this weekend is a scary one - this weekend I've been asked to attend a photoshoot. Ok, as much as I'd like to, I'll drop the act of being a professional model. The local news paper, the Whitehaven News, has asked to take some photos of me to accompany an upcoming article that they're writing about my charity unicycle ride to York. It's all terribly exciting stuff....
In other news I'm a published Author (kinda);
So yep, it's
official. I'm now world famous. As such I should now act like a complete arse;
take drugs, drive fast, rock and roll. I think not Mr. Agent. I think
not.
27th January 2008 - I'm Tough and I've got
the T-shirt!
Today I proved myself to not only be a guy, but a Tough
Guy!
As I mentioned some time ago, the Tough Guy Challenge is one
stupidly big obstacle course. Today I, along with six of my colleagues,
completed the TGC in style. Sorry to say that there weren't any costumes for
this one, but it was really great fun; the running was exhausting, the hay bails
were great to vault, the water was colder than an Inuits Freezer, the flame
pits were nice and warm and the camaraderie was amazing.
It's not
often that you see British Society helping eachother out like to do at these
sort of events, which is a real shame, but it's fantastic to see that we can do
it!
Everyone in our team finished unscathed, unharmed and very very
happy! We've been collecting sponsorship from everyone we could find and so far
it looks like we've rised about £1300 for the Great North Air Ambulance -
including a £200 donation from Sellafield Ltd.
So now there is talk of
doing it next year - one of the fellas wants to dress up as
Spartans......
This weekend I ventured out to the southern part of the lake district to meet up with Leeds University Union Canoe Club. Friday night turned into an evening of drunkard ramblings which ended with a mattress on top of me - all classic stuff! It has to be said that LUUCC are clearly a successful club - they seem to get away quite regularly with not just the newbies to the club, but also seem to have quite a few ventures on the go for the more experienced crowd - kudos to you all guys!
Saturday was met with a not-so-early trip down the lower section of the Duddon - a grade 1/2/3 river with a small (but potentially quite grippy) wier and a short friendly section of grade 4. It was interesting to do this section as I did the preceding section during my Christmas adventure.
Afterwards I left LUUCC for the rest of the weekend and headed off to County Durham for a birthday Ceilidh. I was shocked to find that there are people in this world who have no idea what a ceilidh is. These are the people in the world that need help! I'm half tempted to write an e-petition to Mr. Gordon Brown to have a legal requirement to attend these truly amazing dances on a monthly basis. The uninitiated usually think that this is a relic of the past which should be left there - this is something that they cannot be forgiven for in my book! If you've never been to a ceilidh then go to the one in Manchester's Jabez Clegg - it's amazing!
11th January 2008 -York today, France tomorrow.
Recently I seem to be finding myself in situations whereby an opportunity presents itself and I don't seem able to say "no". It's exactly this reason why I ended up at the start line on the Safaricom Half Marathon in Kenya. Just last night I was sat at a house party seriously considering the suggestion of swimming the English Channel - I'm told that it's only 25ish miles which doesn't sound very far at all.....
Anyway, a few days ago I was dared to enter another race. I never enter races to race against other people, only ever myself. I'm not fast so this idea seems to get me off the hook quite well. This time however, I might have bitten off more than I can chew, perhaps. I'm not sure.
I was dared to enter the Whitehaven to York Cycle Fundraiser. This is a hundred and fifty miles of cycling in a day. Alternatively, in numbers, that is 150 miles in 24 hours. Now then, anyone who knows me knows that I don't even own a bicycle - but I do own a unicycle!
I emailed a chap called Graeme Rhodes, who is one of the fellas organising the event, about entering on my one-wheeled hand-breaker and his reply was, "I'm not sure if this is a wind up, but yes you can enter." Oh balls - so this is the next challenge then I reckon; it's only 7mph for 24 hours.
I've just come across this piece of animation, I think we can all aspire to this little kiwi (if you're one of those student types who are usually/ supposed to be studying hard at this time of year then this one is for you);
Although it seems somewhat inappropriate, Happy New Year everyone! I genuinely want to wish you all the best for the year ahead!
Despite the excitement that accompanies the start of a new year, I'm saddened by the recent news of what is happening in Kenya. In case you aren't aware, a series of violent protests have happened as a result of the President's re-election. I'd like to quote my Kenyan Journal;
"Chris told me about the different tribes in Kenya; in Kenya there are about 125 different tribes which can lead to biases in behaviour. In the simplest of cases this could be preferences in buying fruit and drinks from the many roadside stalls - apparently the locals can identify members of their tribe, even if they don't know the individuals. A more extreme problem of so many tribes is found in the upcoming elections for government - the current president, President Kibaki recently said that "Tribalisms are a plague on society". "
A result of these tribal differences is that three hundred people are now dead - they are being butchered, electrocuted, burnt alive. Sky News quoted a politician (who's name I have forgotten) saying that the current situation is an example of African democracy - the losing party always spits out their dummy.
I'll point out now that I've never had any interest in politics, be it at home or abroad - I simply don't trust any of the parties. That said, three hundred people are now dead. The model country for democracy in Africa is in pieces and more demonstations are being called for tomorrow. What will the rest of the world do?
26th December 2007
Happy Holidays everyone! I I do hope you're all having a great time. This was the first time that my entire family hasn't spent Christmas Day together - my sister is studying in Australia for two months and apparently the commute is too far. No matter, it's not who you're with it's how you celebrate.
So yes, Christmas Day. My parents give me a tiny remote controlled helicopter - next door's cat will be terrorised....
2nd December 2007 - Tough Guy?
It's been a busy
couple of weeks. Last weekend I completed my level 3 kayak coach training. Once
I pass assessment, I'll be qualified to take groups kayaking on upto grade 2
rivers. This in itself isn't particularly amazing, it's more than I intended to
ever do, but not a particularly uncommon award. What I do find amazing is how
far I've managed to get myself - two and a half years ago I was being shown how
to hold a paddle.
Last week, Izzy Styles (a close friend of mine)
invited me round to her house to have my first ever drumming lesson. I've never
been musical, but I really enjoyed having a go and will probably make a racket
again soon. Izzy is quite a dark horse*; she's a lovely young lady who turns out
to be an awesome drummer, a black belt in karate and a long distance runner!
So Izzy and I got talking about running and the Tough Guy Challenge was brought up. For those of you not clued up, the Tough Guy Challenge
is a great big adventure race. I reckon it's something like a ten mile run in
the countryside's fields and hills followed by another few hours of huge walls,
tunnels, mud, rope bridges, fire pits, ponds and barbed wire fences. All of this
takes place at the end of January - in about two months.
Most people
have described our idea of entering this event as a completly stupid and
impossible task. "Bollocks" is my standard response. "Absolute bollocks" is my
detailed response. The impressive bit is that we've got a bit of a team of
graduates from work together who are interested in doing it together to raise
some dough for charity. We're meeting this Thursday evening to discuss the
event.
You can read more about this
here!
porl:D
*Izzy will probably kick my butt for saying that. Ah well.
15th November 2007 - How I tramaulised a swan
It's
been an interesting few weeks. I was living in a lovely little hotel*, but last
week I moved into an amazing house with some fantastic new housemates. I think
one of the best descriptions of the house is that you can sit in the garden,
have a nice chilled lemonade, enjoy the company of your friends whilst having a
barbeque and look at the mountains.
(*not an entirly truthful
description, but I did live there)
As I write this I'm sat in Centre
Parks (INSERT LINK) listening to Radio One. Apparently a young lad organised a
sponsored run to raise money for a rhino protection charity - 22 laps around his
house! I love hearing about things like this; ordinary events with a new spin on
them to make the difference. I didn't even catch the boy's name, but he's an
inspiration.
By the way, I was assigned my costume for New Years Eve; my
housemates from last year have told me I'm going to be Tarzan - Tarzan's coming
to Manchester in December....
So then, I mentioned I'm in Centre Parks.
About seven years ago my school friends and I started discussing going on
holiday together and this is the outcome. It's been a really good holiday as
I've taken part in sports that I never usually do - badminton, squash, swimming
and golf (ok, crazy golf, but still).
So after leaving the bowling ally
we walked alongside the lake, keep in mind this is November;
This weekend I'm off to
Cambridge to visit my lovely sister. That's not to imply that I have a
non-lovely sister. I only have one. Anyway; Kirsty's off to Australia for two
months - not a bad way to spend Christmas methinks!
porl:D
24th
October 2007 - The naked room: Quit your job, and do it with style.
Well it
certainly has been a while since I ranted on here.
For all those
interested I now live in Cumbria, very soon I'll be moving into a stunning house
just outside Whitehaven, with 4 other wonderful people. The house comes complete
with Jacuzzi bathtub, pool table and two bedrooms of my very own - I'm open to
suggestions for the second bedroom; so far the winner is a 'naked room' which is
worrying at best. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what a naked room is for.
So yeah, been a busy few months; not long ago I met up with my wonderful
ex-housemates from last year in Birmingham for Wiz's birthday celebrations. It
was a cracking weekend, really was.
Anyway, I've started my second ever
grown up job - I quit my first one. Properly quit; complete with large gestures,
giving the boss evil eyes, dramatic storming out of the office and winking at
the fit girl as you do so. Although I'd like to think I'm more mature now, I'd
recommend that everyone massages their ego in this way at least once in their
life as it is a great feeling as you walk out the office!
In other news,
I've been unicycling on the beach (difficult at first, awesome after that),
areoballing (think basketball on a trampoline) and competed in the worlds most
painful pub quiz!
porl 
29th May 2007 - Bad language
Yesterday I read through my notes on the physics of fluids and I've
discovered two things.
Firstly my English is terrible in those notes - I
hope this isn't the case in all of my notes. Think I might have to employ
somebody to check through them and mark them with red biro like back in
secondary school!
Also, that course talks about "symmetric obstacles in
flows and about boundary layers separating to form localised regions of
non-linearity which for greater flow rates forms areas of turbulence" - which
translates into kayak-ish as "big rock in the middle of the river, very small
eddie there at the moment which gets bigger when there's more water."
porl
21st May 2007 - Vital statistics
I've
just been playing around with the site controls and I've discovered something
terribly exciting - porlhews.co.uk has had a grand total of 37* people look at
it since January! Actually, that's not the exciting news, what I discovered is
that, for a small slightly extortionate fee I can sell my own porlhews.co.uk
merchandise! What an amazing world we live in where little me can have t shirts,
mugs and even pencils bearing his website and logo - I truly am a success now.
Perhaps I should follow the likes of Rooney, the Beckhams and my other
fellow superstars and have a biography written about my life.....
"porl,
born 8th March, liked to eat chocolate cheesecake, had t-shirts made."
*This number is actually completely fictitious. But did you know that if you ask lots of people to pick a completely random number between 0 and a hundred, 37 comes out the most times?
17th May 2007
It's
exam time. It's a wonderful wonderful time where all the students get out of bed
and sit at their desks pretending to work whilst really spending time on
facebook, making play lists or just generally cleaning their room. Oh don't
forget my personal favourite - colouring in revision timetables!
Today I
had my Relativistic Quantum Mechanics exam. Sounds scary doesn't it? Well being
in generally high spirits recently I've become somewhat mischievous in some
ways. I wonder if the examiner will notice that my second answer booklet says
"Optimistic Quantum Mechanics" on the front?
It would be interesting if
s/he did. I suppose I would get half marks in Relativistic Quantum Mechanics and
half marks in Optimistic Quantum Mechanics!
I hope I would at least.
That would be nice.
Anyway, the summer is looming and I can't wait. The
plans for my trip to Kenya are coming together quite nicely. I had my last dose
of vaccines today - so I'm all protected against nasties*.
So the plan
for Kenya, well it's going to involve climbing Mount Kenya which will be
absolutely amazing in my book. I'm not sure if we (Chris Bowden and I) should
employ porters. I'd like to carry all of my own kit, but if I can't physically
do that then porters are a definite option. One other thing to consider is that
hiring porters would allow me to spend about four days with the same Kenyans
which might make for an interesting experience...
Other Kenyan
adventures include spending some time in Nairobi, doing a bit of volunteering
(Chris works for an expedition/ volunteering company called Adventure
Alternative so we're sorted there), going on Safari and venturing to Tanzania.
I'm also looking forward to eating my way through the animal kingdom at a
restaurant called Carnivore (an all you can eat restaurant where you can eat
pretty much everything that isn't endangered!)
I usually like to put a
picture on my notes, but this one is a little special - I beg you to click on
it!
*That's nasties as in viral agents not the group of bullies out of the Never Ending Story
10th April 2007
Oh how
I want a splitty! In case you're not familiar with Volkswagon Splitscreen
campervans, they look something a bit like this;
I don't just want one, I actually think I
have a medical need for one, it's really quite simple; not having one makes me
pine for one and having one would make me feel great. Now the NHS gives out
nicotine patches for smoking addicts to try and ease them off, the NHS also has
support groups and invest millions in advertising everything they're doing - so
I really don't think a splitty is too much to ask for if it would help me.
Perhaps I should start up some sort of campaign; SOS - save our
splitties. Ok so that was a lame slogan which doesn't actually get the point
across, but somehow I think TBPGNHSPVWSCCPO (The British Pressure Group for the
National Health Service to Provide VW Splitscreen Campervans as a means of
Curing Porl's Obsession) wouldn't quite catch on so easily.
Anyway, it's
the Easter holidays, most students are either at home being cared for
(detoxicated) by their parents or they're off on some wild crazy adventure. In
any case, I'm at home revising. Oh how I can't wait for the summer; if the NHS
could provide my splitty around about the 8th of June that would be great thanks
:D
30th March - 1st April 2007
This
weekend I went to Swaledale with a group nine silver DofEers (That's Duke of
Edinburghs Award Energetic Really cool Super young people in case you're
wondering).
I had a fantastic time and really enjoyed it. We stayed in a
camping barn which was a great idea because it made everything so much easier.
Ok the group didn't get the experience of sleeping in tents - but they did cook
most of their own meals on trangas and it made the learning experience much more
productive.
When you go hiking you obviously spend a lot of time with a
small group of people and so you'll talk about anything and everything without
any hesitation (on my part at least). This weekend we mostly talked about poo
and it was an endless source of humour which probably wouldn't be funny if I
repeated it here - go for yourself and find out!
p.s This wouldn't be much of an accurate journal entry if I didn't point out how amazingly useful duck tape is - I fixed two rucksacs, a broken finger nail and a few feet all with a roll of trusty duck tape. DUCK TAPE - YOU NEED IT IN YOUR LIFE!
14th March 2007
Last
Saturday I went to the Optometry Society Ball - AKA the 'Eye Ball'. Now I'm not
an optometrist, but three of my housemates are so it wasn't completely random.
What a fantastic night it was; the taxi was predictably late and so
Jinesh and I managed to finish off the box of Budweiser where we had started by
asking "do you think we've got time to have a sneaky one?".
Now anyone
who knows me will probably agree that I'm not a huge fan of dancing until I'm
sufficiently intoxicated, but my my when I was a bit tipsy at this ball I pulled
the sort of moves only seen in bad imitations of dirty dancing - was fantastic
fun though!
I'd like to congratulate to the winner of the contact lens
text book - you now have a book that will one day be worth millions (Jinesh and
I may have autographed it for you).
In any case, everyone seemed to have
a great time - if you weren't there then you missed out.
Porl
12th March 2007
A friend of mine found this on a bus in Manchester, if only all graffiti was so good.
11th March 2007
I was
walking around the physics department the other day when I walked past some guy
who was telling his friend about a website where all of the lecture notes for
his course are. He didn't seem to be complaing, so being arrogant as I am I'm
going to assume he was talking about this site.
Made me smile - so thank
you whoever you are.
9th March 2007
I was asked to write for the Physics Society's newsletter, this was the first draft;
So I've
been in the physics department for four years now - I kid you not it seems like
fresher's week was just last month. It's amazing how quickly time flies when
you're doing physics.
Did you know 92% of undergraduate physics students
don't undo their laces when they take their shoes off? It's just more evidence
that we're in such a rush to do stuff that we rarely stop in a manner that's not
too dissimilar from some sort of crime fighting squad on TV; to steal from a
dubious movie "Physics - FUCK YEAH!"
So we're busy people, that's not a
joke it's just reality.
Have you ever been introduced to someone as "he
does physics", or "you'll never guess what she does!" There seems to be only two
appropriate responses when the average person finds out someone is a physicist.
First response is the popular one. It takes different forms but they all
amount to the same thing, "Oh, you do physics, that's nice." This sentence is
then usually followed by some sort of cringe and a frantic search for the
nearest escape route.
The second response can take you to dark and
worrying places; they show an interest. If you're fortunate enough to be under
the influence of some legal drug (in a responsible manner of course) then this
will probably turn the night into another drunkard conversation about how you
could power a toaster with a black hole. Back in September, some friends and I
were discussing exactly that in a field in Wales - there was nothing else to do
I assure you.
So we're busy people and we also seem to have this ranking
in society somewhere near the Hebridean spotted toad. Not that I get drunk with
toads, honest.
How did we get here? Why are we so low on the ladder? Why
is it that the creator of the light bulb isn't a pin up? Why don't we get
discounts in bars if we can recite Maxwell's laws backwards? After all, we're
highly employable, upstanding, highly versatile students who are (unless we find
a way round it) going to be paying some of the highest taxes going.
Maybe we need to sex up physics a bit. This isn't a new idea by any
means - ever noticed how the psychology* lectures always seem to be in the
physics department when there's an open day on? Now come on - there's forty
hours in the working week, even I know that the odds are against it!
Of
course; why do we care? Surely if less people take physics then we're more
unique! That may be true, but do you want to be associated with that toad
forever?
*A course with predominantly good looking female students.
7th February 2007 - broken me: oops
I broke
my finger yesterday. not too bad so they don't need to operate or anything.
But has anyone noticed that ski instructors and medical staff all seem
to be at least reasonably good looking if not simply damm right sexy?
Is
this part of the required qualifications or is just natural selection?
So yeah i broke my finger. Now lets not lose our heads here; this does
not mean that I'm not indestructible - it only means that i'm malleable.
And that's a good thing isn't it? It shows that i really can change - I
can be moulded into a perfect reflection of what a 21st century lamp post looked
like. In millennia to come, I'd like to think my remains will astound the
archeological community. Have to wait and see.
Of course I fully expect
to be invited to present Top Gear now, after all - it worked for hamster.....
2nd February 2007 - alcoholoism, infertility, kickflips, god and crimestoppers UK
So I
looked at my watch on Tuesday evening,
"Crap only 5 minutes till the canoe
club pool session starts."
I figured I'd take the fifth fastest means of
transport that I have in Manchester and jumped on my unicycle.
After
pegging* it up Oxford Road I get to the pool to find that I'm an hour early.
Bugger.
So I'm stood there considering my
options;
No no no; An hour long unicycle trip!
I'm not going to bore you anymore with the fine details of my
trip; but here's the important bits;
- one bloke sneekily took a photo
of me outside the back of the town hall (I think he fancies me)
- The
group of black twenty something year olds now think i'm infertile as I dont have
any suspension (I hope they're wrong!)
- The skater kids by Urbis have
made me their new god. The last guy was dropped after they realised his kick
flip wasn't all that sweet.
- After going through the posh little
shopping mall by the Royal Theatre (the one with shops like Moss and a little
art shop which I've forgotten the name of), I'm probably going to be on
crimestoppers UK. Especially as I waved at the security camera :-S
*pegging; 90s northern slang for when one moves rather fast.
1st February 2007 - Is it evolution, mutation or something else?
Not
sure what's happening to me. Something scary is happening; I'm changing. It's as
if I had the role of the monster in Frankenstein or something.
No I'm
not some odd assortment of body part that have been hit by lightening; I've
started caring about cooking!
Since my exams ended I've been on some
sort of culinary frenzy; I've cooked a couple of stir frys, a pasta bake which
was packed with vegetables, a quality tomato stuffed pepper accompanied by a
cheese stuffed mushroom and tonight I've made a lasagna.
I made a
lasagna, let's just analyse that one. In my first year of uni I mostly lived of
kebabs, toasties and the fliers they give your outside the union on Oxford Road.
Then in my second year I survived off chicken curries and the hair off my back.
Last year it was orange cauliflower/ cabbage and pizza and this year I've become
some sort of crazed food goon.
goon is a technical term, I assure you.
It's not just the food I'm cooking either, I've started watching cooking
programmes, paying attention and actually thinking "hmmm, I could do that".
In the past I just didn't care.
So far it all sounds good, but
the scary bit is that last night Nira straightened my hair and then braided it.
I'm sorry to say the braid fell out whilst I was asleep, but if they hadn't I
was happy enough to keep them.
I haven't had a period yet, but I suspect
living with four ladies might be having an affect on me.......
I'll
leave you on this thought; There's some pretty compelling evidence that Jesus
was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no
food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there
was work to do.
24th January 2007 - I can see your underwear.......
So who
was your favourite superhero? I was always a fan of wolverine from the X-men.
Bit of an unkown element about him.
Never see many superheros around
Moss Side - must be a safe place I guess.
I'd like to think that I'd
make a good superhero. Not sure what my superpowers would be though - perhaps
the ability to wedgie sixteen people at once would be useful - that way I could
incapacitate all the chavs who hang around my local bus stop at once.
Alterntively the power to reclaim my income tax. Not that I pay income
tax as I'm a tax-dodging student who never does any work and spends all my time
either on facebook or sleeping!
Of course I think we all know what power
every guy would want - X ray vision! That one would definetely be useful I'm
sure. Obviously as it would allow us to see that damm water pipe before putting
the nail through the wall!
18th January 2007 - money, sex and elephant poo
So I
was going through some of my stuff at my parents house, when I found my answer
to my GCSE mock exam for English. The question was; "Write a set of instructions
for an individual who has just bought a new pet of your choosing". Here's my
response:
How to look after your African elephant
I know
what your thinking, "I know how to look after my elephant", but there are many
things about African elephants in particular which are vital if you plan to keep
your elephant for many years. Below are the instructions which you need to enjoy
being with your elephant and more importantly for your elephant to enjoy being
with you!
Upon arriving in a new house, many of us feel like we are
isolated and we have no friends. Your elephant will also feel like this. Don't
forget that your elephant is in a completely new environment to before. So when
Stampy first arrives make friends with him. This is best achieved by playing
games and eating together. By building up communication and trust under a
disciplined atmosphere your new elephant will soon learn to respect you.
We humans have a tendency to become jealous when our mates, girlfriends
or boyfriends go out with their mates. So to avoid the massive insurance problem
of rebuilding you house, introduce an 'elephant sitter' to look after your new
friend for the first few times you go out. Then gradually leave your elephant
alone, for short periods at first, and build up that level of trust. Be patient,
this could take some time; don't forget that some parents won't leave their
teenagers alone for a weekend!
Next exercise; all animals require
exercise. We humans go for walks, play various sports and we go to the gym. But
there aren't many gyms that will take an elephant. So each weekend take trips
out to the country side and exercise in the forests. Getting away from the noise
and lights of the city will relax Stampy and he won't destroy nearly as much as
he used to.
We all need to eat and drink, you'll be surprised how much a
human can take in when on holiday; imagine an elephant living in a new country.
African elephants usually eat about 2-3 tons of plants a day, so keep stocked up
to avoid shopping trips. You'll probably need a small swimming pool full of
water per day for the amount he'll drink.
A good idea is damage
insurance. If you have an argument with your new pet then the damage can be
tremendous. Don't forget that prevention is the best treatment, but don't be a
pushover; know when to stand your ground.
Some new owners have welcoming
parties when their new housemate arrives. This can be awkward as many of us feel
out of place in such situations and so you may alienate your pet before you get
to know eachother. Instead, why not have a party for his first year
'anniversary'? He'll probably feel much more relaxed and the whole evening will
be much more enjoyable for everyone concerned.
A problem which many new
owners find difficult to deal with is waste management. This need not be a
problem necessarily; in fact it could be a huge opportunity. Elephants cost a
lot of money, so why not make use of their massive amounts of waste and sell it
as natural fertilizer to local farms. Your friend could produce $30 - $40 worth
of waste a day!
Finally, a subject that many new owners find difficult.
As with teenagers, sex is always a problem. If Stampy insists on bringing his
girlfriend around then make sure that baby elephants are not a problem. You
local vet can solve the issue with a simple operation. Don't forget human babies
cost a fortune; young elephants can cost you your car in the first week!
This is only the information for when your African friend arrives. Be
sure to search for more information on other problems which will probably arise
in the future.
15th January 2007 - how to play the briefcase with gravy
blogging. I'm very dubious about it. I was wondering if it was at all
proper or just damm right obscure for me to be spending my time typing my
thoughts away for the world to read. But so far two people have said they enjoy
my little rants. So i guess that's fair enough.
Anyway, the last few
days have been terribly exciting. I found out last thursday that my report was
due in two weeks earlier than I expected - so there was a bit of a rush to
finish it off, but fortunately I'd already done most of the work so it's all
gravy*.
*apparently that's a cool way of saying "it's all good" in
certain parts of the southern states of the north of england.
So yeah,
woke up today in a fantastic mood! Dunno why, had a great night's sleep and
leapt out of bed! Danced in the kitchen, despite Wiz also being in the room.
Unicycled to uni to drop off my report. I seem to have forgotten how to
uinicycle. I haven't been on it all christmas and I'm definetly not as good as I
was. Bumped into Maz (not literally tho) she was carrying a briefcase shaped
musical instrument. Maz did tell me the name, but I've lost it somewhere in my
prefrontal cortex, so I'll assume that Maz has indeed started playing the
briefcase.
22nd December 2006 - my 20th time
well
here I go again.
This is my 20th note on facebook. Means I'm either
deeply thoughtful or attention seeking. I like to think it's a bit of both.
Truth be known today has been a god aweful day, but let's not focus on
that, there's no need.
My mum said something interesting the other
night. Actually it was a week ago; "You know something I think you start out all
excited about the big wide world, then you get to your 20s or 30s and start
stressing about all sorts of useless crap, and then you get to your 40s or 50s
and you just stop stressing and you chill out."
Ok, so I paraphrased,
but that's the gist of it.
So right now I'm at the moment of my life
where I'm meant to be either excited or stressing. Good to know I guess.
In case I haven't told you before I've actually already applied for
retirement; filled in the form two summers ago when I was bored with my office
job. Given that I quit it about a week later I dont think it's suprising I
haven't heard about my pension - but you never know!
So I was thinking
about a list of things that I everyone should do by the time they grow up, I'm
not going to post it up here, it's a bit personal to share with the whole wide
world, but perhaps everyone should make one - put everything in there; the good
stuff and the bad stuff - afterall that is what makes you who you are!
Speaking about that office I was in two summers ago; I think i could
have sorted out most of the stressing that was going on there
16th November 2006 - so i put an mc hammer cd in my computer and it did this....
2nd November 2006 - the end is nigh, everything gives you cancer and everyone is going to mug you.
Irritating as it is, all of these are actually true.
The world is
going to end, one day in a fair few years the sun will either engulf our little
ball of water or the sun will shrink to a pea sized blob and we'll freeze.
That's just the way it is.
Everything gives you cancer; it's
true that too much of anything is by no means a good thing. Eat too many eggs
and you'll have high colesterol. Drink too much fizzy pop and you'll have no
teeth. See too much of somebody and you'll irritate them.
So the truth
of the matter is that everything has to be taken a little bit at a time.
A favourite phrase of mine; "everything has to be taken in moderation,
including moderation".
Third on the list; EVERYONE is going to mug you.
If this is true then that also means that you too are going to mug somebody -
accept that you will hurt and upset people and we'll all get along just fine -
just be ready to apologise.
Thats why i want to apologise now. If you've
read this far and I owe you an apology then here it is - hopefully that makes me
quits with the universe for the next five minutes at least.
24th October 2006 - hoovers
damm hoovers - i got my hair stuck in one today.
24th October 2006 - trees, business cards and the worst job in the world?
Trees.
There's a lot of them on oxford road. At least on the oxford road in manchester
there are quite a lot. Never really noticed before today but yeah - there's a
lot of trees about.
Anyway, I was bored yesterday in my 'Advanced
Quantum Rubbish' lecture, so I took to designing my very own business card. I'll
have to make some more up as I'm off to a careers fair sometime soon.
My
skills included;
- professional kayak instructor
- world class
unicyclist
- super cool physicist
- furniture repairer
- automobile
fixer
- equations solver
- babies deliverer
- vanquisher of sea
monsters
- scaler of cliffs
- teacher of english
- waxer of
surfboards
And many many more ideas which popped into my head - it was
difficult fitting all those abilities on a piece of credit card sized paper.
So I was wondering not about the best job in the world, but what the
worst job in the world must be. Here's a suggestion;
12th October 2006 - alternative power sources
So i
was walking down oxford road and a lady (I presume the mother) was being dragged
around by two toddlers who she had reined up in a horse like fashion.
You know what i mean, those child reins that parents use to stop their
kids from running away.
This got me thinking - this woman really was
struggling.
Kids are apparently full of energy - i reckon we've got a
renewable energy source here!
Other possibilities include hamsters - my
first hamster never got off his wheel - if we hooked that up to a turbinie then
i reckon we could have powered the street for a couple of years!
carpe
diem.
